Why: Apparently I can never be happy without doing my own thing, whatever it might be. Lifetime of consumption is unfulfilling, even if it involves consuming the best products civilization has to offer: books, games and movies, sightseeing and entertainment, physical comforts, even knowledge. And neither is life of servitude, attending to other people's needs, following orders, aiming to please, being a good little cog in the machinery. Self-improvement sounds more like it, and it's a never-ending journey, but it should be considered as a means to an end, not a goal in itself - otherwise it's akin to masturbation.
(A couple of words about hate: it can be inspiring all right, but I'm sick and tired of it. I want to move on to something constructive.)
What: Game development always comes up during questionnaires and exercises for discovering your goals, passions, ideal career etc. The weird thing is, if I loved it so much, wouldn't I have been doing it since a long time ago? Even assuming that it's never too late to start anew - this is not how a passion is supposed to feel. But the whole point of doing the questionnaires and fretting over my inability to set goals is that I'm not that enthusiastic about *anything* right now (and haven't been for a while). But like it's said, idle hands are the Devil's workshop.
Well, waiting for a hurricane of passion already cost me years of life; it's time to settle up for something reasonably appealing. Anyway, goals are not set in stone... if something better turns up, I promise I'll jump ship! But at the moment, I just don't see anything else worthy to focus upon. I don't consider applying myself to depressing mundane goals like earning more money and improving quality of life, because it's much less motivating, and in any case, it's just procrastination; another excuse to put your dreams on hold, waiting for perfect conditions.
How: Adventure games - my favourite kind - are a blend of creative writing and programming, but for me it was always, first and foremost, about programming.
(To be continued... There's going to be a lot of technobabble, so it will be better to make a separate post.)